"When did you know?"

Recently there was a move that came out, starring Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd and Owen Wilson.  In the movie, Reese's character is torn between two lovers (I know, cliché, right?).  One is a fast-living professional athlete (Wilson) with serious issues with narcissism and commitment phobia and the other is a "nice guy" that is in the midst of a crisis instigated by his unscrupulous father, played by Jack Nicholson.  The title of the movie is the dilemma she has of wanting to know how you know which person is the one that is going to be "the one".  Do you ever really "KNOW"?  I mean, there were many clues that Jeff and I were going be very compatible and I remember having those moments when I was pretty dang sure he was the right person for me to marry.   I often refer to my brain as a 12-lane highway.  Trust me, it's a scary place.  I shield many people from the reality that is my mind and use many filters.  Want a glimpse?  Catch me when I'm completely sleep-deprived or stressed when I'm not able to maintain those filters and if you do, "look out!"  Anyhow, I digress.  One evening, a few months after we started dating and before he proposed, we were snuggled together on the couch and I rested my head in that little hollow on his shoulder between his collar bone and his upper arm and he wrapped his arm around me.  All of a sudden, the hubbub in my head just STOPPED - just like that!  Things slowed down to the pace of a dirt road with horse drawn carriages.   It's probably the closest I could ever come to the proverbial "Nothing box" that most men have.  If you don't know the reference, check out Mark Gungor's "Laugh Your Way To A Better Marriage" and pay close attention to his comparison of the male brain and female brain. He is the only one that has ever had that affect on me and I said to myself, "Self, you gotta marry this man."  Good thing he was agreeable to that plan.

So last night, I was chatting with a friend in the freezing cold night at the church parking lot after rehearsal and he told me about a conversation he had participated in recently where the question was asked, "When did you know...?"  The event being asked about was when the person KNEW that Jesus was the real deal.  The person being asked the question makes a full time career out of the subject matter.

I celebrate a 2nd birthday.  The first is the anniversary of the day I was born, December 27th.  The second is August 19th (1971) when did what those in protestant church circles call "accepting Christ".  I was 11 years old and my mother MADE ME go to church.  That Sunday, my cousin was visiting with me because her mom had just gotten married and went on her honeymoon.  There was no kids church that day so we sat in the main service with the adults.  The church was Tabernacle Baptist Church in North Seattle and I don't remember the pastor's name, but I do remember the question he asked.  It was, "If you were to die tonight and stand at the gates of Heaven and you were asked by God 'What right do you have to enter MY heaven?', What would you say?"  I didn't have an answer and I wanted to make sure that I figured that one out in the off-chance it were to really happen. I was taken into the back room with one of the kind adults and my cousin was also there.  After being shown several verses of the Bible called the "Roman's Road", I acknowledged that my sinful state necessitated a Savior who paid the price with his blood to reinstate me to a position of favor with God.  What a big concept to an 11-yr old!   I just wanted to make sure that I would go to Heaven if I died - I had no idea about theology nor did I really care at the time.   The Journey of my Faith has been a HUGE part of my life, but 32 years later can I really say that I KNOW for certain what I believe is undeniable fact?  Ummmm... no.   I still have my moments of doubt.  I still have times when God feels so far away and silent to my cries during my struggles.  To be real?  I still have times I question everything.   I've spent big chunks of time, typically after someone attacked my faith, evaluating the pros and cons of being a professed follow of Christ.  I've decided that if I find out in the end that it's a total CROCK I won't feel that I've been harmed as what I've "given up" of the World to walk this path doesn't compare to how it has benefitted me.  My belief system has not harmed me nor has it harmed anyone else.

I guess this is what I love so much about my church family.  It doesn't matter that I have doubts, I can be real and still be accepted.  It's okay that I constantly question and I'm starting to feel comfortable with the fact that God still accepts me - even with my doubts.  He's the one that gave me this inquisitive nature that I've always had and I think He knows the up and down-sides to it.  It can be difficult, though, to explain to someone that even though I don't KNOW for sure, I'm pretty dang certain and I have seen things in my life that were inexplicable in terms of worldly things.  I may not KNOW, but I sure do BELIEVE and that's enough for me.